Big Bang Theory: The 5 dos and don’ts of being a successful female artiste in Nigeria.
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Being a woman in a male-dominated society like Nigeria is hard. Being a woman under the spotlight, in the world of flashing cameras, post-teen social media overlords and whiny bloggers is even harder. The task of being a successful pop star takes dedicated career moves and calculated risks that will hinge more on branding than actual music.
To become a successful female artiste in Nigeria, here are some rules you must learn to follow.

Don’t: Tell anybody anything.

Avoid PR nightmares, don’t ever tell anybody anything. It will only end up on Linda Ikeji. Nobody in the media is your friend, they are all looking for inside scoops. Your interviews must give precise answers with every important detail about your life completely obscured. If you must use social media to share your thoughts, don’t.
If you must share your thoughts about anything ever,

Do: Wear your sexual maturity like a badge.

You are an attractive 20 or 30-something mega pop star. We already expect you to be having flaming hot sex all the time. So tell us about your skill and proficiency in the bedroom and remind us all the time too.  Remind us about your sexual goddess-hood with your dance, costumes, music videos, lyrics, stage performances and even your talking voice. You must not relent until we can only recognize you as a sex icon.

Don’t: Ever stop moving that damn waist.

Shake it baby, don’t break it.

Do: Always show some extra skin.

You don’t need a reason to show some extra skin, just do it. All you have to do is keep just the right amount of clothes on, with the lowest amount of “shame and self-respect” as defined by Nairalanders and commenters of Linda Ikeji’s blog. Social media will go crazy and do the rest of the talking for you.

Don’t: Ever think sex appeal is not important.

Sex is art but sex appeal is marketing. You must create a sex appeal for yourself based on either being extremely controversial or being extremely mysterious. However, we advise the latter over the former. Scarce commodities are always in high demand so you must attempt to build your sex appeal only as an idea, any proof or fact of your sexual misadventures itself must be elusive and vague to the public.

Do: Make music old people can relate to.

Experiment every once in a while with an indigenous sound along the lines of high life or afro juju. Accompany your song with a video set in some village, with your hair made into sweet corn-rows. This will allow older audiences give a free pass and allow their children listen to you.

Don’t: Be afraid to be affiliated with other male celebrities.

Don’t worry about rumours. Speculators and bloggers click baiting their readers with lies and half-truths about you are just a part of  your sex appeal.  Just deny it all when Bella Naija texts or emails you about anything.


Do: Bleach everything!

Bleach your skin, bleach your accent, bleach your friends, bleach your unborn kids. You are being baptised into fame and fortune, all elements of your old life must be washed away. It’s a brand new you, with a brand new everything.

Don’t: Get married or have kids.

Once you break this rule, just ignore everything else on this list. Anything  you do now will be mirrored against your parenting skills by people who obviously have their lives together just because they have a social media account.  Nigerians will judge you for just being alive, don’t bring a family or child into that war zone. Else all your sins will be ten times graver in public.

Do: Have a great voice.

Have a great voice of course. Who do you think you are, Britney Spears?


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